I have posted, in my former blogging life, about my frustration with God and the life I am currently living. Last week, I came to put a face on the winter, spring, summer, and fall of my discontent. Through one of those somewhat "difficult" conversation last week, my wise friend helped me move a little closer to understanding why I am the way that I am. When I went away to college, I thrived and loved the excitement and risk of not knowing everyone and the challenge of doing something away from where I grew up. At the end of the 4 years, the absolute worst thing that could ever happen would be to move back in with my parents. Now, I love my parents but the idea of living in my father's house after tasting the excitement of being away was not even an option. So, I got married and after a year moved a thousand miles away and loved it. For me, living in the metro Detroit area in the same context that I grew up in is like moving back home after being away. That's what I can't get around. It's not the people, not the job, not anything but the feeling that I am not the "man" of the house. I hope this doesn't come off as arrogant, because I know it sounds questionable. I don't mean it that way. It's more of a desire to see if I really am what I think I can be and being here doesn't help that. I know this is really self-centered and maybe even a little bit of self-pity, but I feel like I finally have a face to my frustration. I am the Bizarro Abraham. In Genesis 12, God calls Abram to leave his father's house and go to a far away land where he doesn't know anyone. I wonder if that was hard for Abram? Maybe? If God called me to leave my father's house, I would be out the door. However, God isn't a God of predictable formulas. He has, in his infinite wisdom (or at times his unfortunate misstep - at least that how it feels) called me back to my father's house. Here's the thing, God will never settle for what I want over what He has purposed. How does this change my attitude and impact my discontent? Honestly, I don't know. I know how it should, but "should" and the reality of my behavior and actions often don't coincide. So I guess I begin with choosing not to settle for what I want either and start putting up with what God has purposed and eventually get to the point of desperately and passionately with all of my being wanting what He gives me.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Bizarro Abraham
I have posted, in my former blogging life, about my frustration with God and the life I am currently living. Last week, I came to put a face on the winter, spring, summer, and fall of my discontent. Through one of those somewhat "difficult" conversation last week, my wise friend helped me move a little closer to understanding why I am the way that I am. When I went away to college, I thrived and loved the excitement and risk of not knowing everyone and the challenge of doing something away from where I grew up. At the end of the 4 years, the absolute worst thing that could ever happen would be to move back in with my parents. Now, I love my parents but the idea of living in my father's house after tasting the excitement of being away was not even an option. So, I got married and after a year moved a thousand miles away and loved it. For me, living in the metro Detroit area in the same context that I grew up in is like moving back home after being away. That's what I can't get around. It's not the people, not the job, not anything but the feeling that I am not the "man" of the house. I hope this doesn't come off as arrogant, because I know it sounds questionable. I don't mean it that way. It's more of a desire to see if I really am what I think I can be and being here doesn't help that. I know this is really self-centered and maybe even a little bit of self-pity, but I feel like I finally have a face to my frustration. I am the Bizarro Abraham. In Genesis 12, God calls Abram to leave his father's house and go to a far away land where he doesn't know anyone. I wonder if that was hard for Abram? Maybe? If God called me to leave my father's house, I would be out the door. However, God isn't a God of predictable formulas. He has, in his infinite wisdom (or at times his unfortunate misstep - at least that how it feels) called me back to my father's house. Here's the thing, God will never settle for what I want over what He has purposed. How does this change my attitude and impact my discontent? Honestly, I don't know. I know how it should, but "should" and the reality of my behavior and actions often don't coincide. So I guess I begin with choosing not to settle for what I want either and start putting up with what God has purposed and eventually get to the point of desperately and passionately with all of my being wanting what He gives me.
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4 comments:
It's difficult to arrive at the attitude change when it still feels like there's a huge disconnect with God. It's as if you want to yell up to God and say, "Hey, I see where you're going with this, but have you been down here lately? I'm feeling kind of crappy."
How do we follow God's purpose without it feeling like we are just putting on the happy face and pretending everything is OK? "Oh, God has me walking though a pile of manure? Awesome! I LOVE manure! I'm blessed that I can afford to have these clothes burned later." When in reality, I'm thinking... "I hate this smell. What is going on here?" The first approach feels false and plastic and inauthentic. like I'm performing for God.
and btw, nice muscles.
I think one of the interesting things that Jesus says in the New Testament is how he knows we love Him. He says that He knows I love Him when I obey Him. I think it's easy for me to justify not following what God clearly wants by saying that I'm being inauthentic because I don't really feel like following Him and I even think He is wrong. God is more concerned with obedience - now that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't matter, but I think we start with obedience. When we moved back to MI, people asked me why we moved back and I said out of obedience. But just like JoAnne Galloway in A Few Good Men, I strenuously objected. Yeah, that's on my record. Let's be honest, sometimes I can't handle the truth.
btw, I actually look like that when I am wearing spandex... true story
Welcome back! I've had similar struggles and I'm finally on the other side of it. All I know is one night satan had me on the ropes and I was about to commit spiritual suicide - let the part of me that passionately wanted to serve God die off because He wasn't doing and giving what I wanted. It was a struggle, but I came to a place of resolve - whether God did one more good thing for me ever again or not, He had already done way more than I deserved, and I would be loyal to Him and Him alone. I told satan to go ahead and try to rob from me, kill me, steal from me and destroy me - no matter what he did I would still love Jesus. That was nearly 3 years ago, and I'm still surrendering and processing it all. But, I'm finally in a place where I am content. But the road was rough - mostly because of me being stubborn. But why am I giving you my resume? Is it so that you'll think I'm a good lawyer?
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