I Have Issues

"What is God's will for my life?"

Bruce Waltke says that is the wrong question. I'm in a discipleship group and we are working through his book, Finding the Will of God. His approach is atypical to much of what's out there. One of the things that struck me is that I typically read the Bible to enjoy the stories, get the principles, and teach others. The question Waltke asks is, "Are you impassioned with finding God's heart as you interact with His word?" As I thought about that, the norm for me is reading in order to teach and communicate with others - not wrong, but it is easy for me to ignore the part about finding God's heart. So, basically, he says that asking what God's will is for your life is not the question, God's will is easy to follow if your heart is continuously confronted with God's heart and the two begin to beat together. When that happens, decisions come easy because your life lines up with God's desires and will. He even gives steps that we need to follow to bring our hearts into line with God's: Reading the Bible, developing a heart for God, seeking wise counsel, looking for God's providence, does it make sense, and divine intervention. He sees the first, reading the Bible, as the foundation and most important by far. Anyway, I read the chapter on providence last week and decided that I hated it because it hits too close to home for me. He says,

"There will be times you believe the Word of God is leading you to do something, it becomes the desire of your heart, and other Christians encourage you to follow your heart, but providence will not allow it. Assume that god has something else planned. Learn to trust God in spite of your circumstances."

Have you ever been somewhere and everything seems right but that silly providence screws everything up? I hate that. As much as I have accepted where I am right now, I still struggle with not being where I desperately want to be. Now, thanks to Waltke, I have a name to blame for my frustration - Providence. And what it comes down to for me is the issue of trust. I know that God has a plan and that He is good. My issue is whether or not His plan has been endorsed by me. Being a pastor in a church is not unbiblical, it's the desire of my heart, and other believers and seekers encourage me to pursue that end but that dammed providence keeps all of this just out of reach. And in saying "dammed providence", I really am saying that if that is what you want God, then take it back and let me pursue my dreams! Do I really trust that God is going to do what is best? When everything seems like it is not on schedule and I see little to no hope, do I trust God? Part of trust is letting go of your own image. We are created in God's image and then we spend the rest of our lives trying to create our image. What I think I want to be comes colliding with what God wants to do. Perhaps eventually, I will look back in hindsight and say, "Oh, yes, now I understand what God was doing." Until then, I have to trust and live in that tension of passionately living life by striving for goals and getting out of the way of what God is doing whether that may or may not look like much.

Afraid of Form

I have a friend who just bought his first house. He and his wife are excitedly stocking the house with furniture, appliances, and rooms full of love. I am really happy for them but I do have a concern and that is this... What kind of house did they buy? I mean, is it a ranch, a bungalow, a colonial, or a Tudor? Is it one of those cookie cutter houses in the suburbs or is it a house we describe as having lots of character which really means that it will suck all the savings you will ever have? See, here's the thing, I am comfortable in only a few types of houses. I live in a typical 1980's Michigan colonial. Sherri is partial to vinyl-sided ranches with the garage on the side so that’s not the first thing you see. I like houses with alot of stone. Anything else is suspect and I'm not sure that I can really hang out with anyone not in a house that is in the style of the three mentioned previously. I once knew someone who lived in a Tudor--they were jerks. Therefore, I don't like Tudors because they house mean people. I do like vinyl-sided ranch houses because that was the first house I ever bought. I'm pretty sure only good people live in those. It's funny how I'm not concerned about the materials in the house, just the style. Asbestos? Lead based paint? Cat urine in every corner? That's fine as long as the form of the house is to my liking. Surely I am insane! This is not for real, is it?

No, rather than talking about houses, lets talk about churches. Instead of the style of a house, let’s talk about the form of church. There are traditional, orthodox, charismatic, emerging, modern, post-modern, contemporary, and mega churches. These are all forms. The interesting thing is that some of us are afraid of the very mention of one or more of these forms. "I hate traditional churches because they are boring and the typical pastor doesn't even try to be relevant." "I think that post-modern churches are of the devil. I don't even think those pastors know who Jesus is!" I got into a conversation with someone who wanted to learn more about this thing called the emerging church as if it was some import from Japan. So, I gave him a few books and he is on his way to enlightenment.

At the very bottom of everything, I am not so sure that traditional, postmodern, contemporary, emerging, or modern is something that really matters. It's just form. The only real churches are the churches whose content and raw material is reflective of the Jesus who is revealed in God's Word. If a church is has that, then the form must take whatever will best reach the immediate community where it serves. I don't care what "form" that is because it becomes meaningless if no one is being connected to Jesus through it... and it would be nice if there was a steeple, because that's how a church is supposed to look.

Things I Need On The Go

This past weekend, I spoke at a youth retreat in Xenia, OH. I took with me a friend, Chris, and we had a great time. On Saturday night, we had one of the best experiences of my life while we were searching to fill his craving for an Arizona Arnold Palmer Tea. Picture this, it's 10:30 at night and Bright Eyes is blaring through the speakers. The air is crisp and cool as winter peaks its head around the corner. We stop at Fulmers grocery store and find nothing but questioning stares mainly because Chris wears tight jeans, a shirt, and a scarf - not exactly the trend in clothing in Xenia (unfortunately Chris does not have a camouflaged scarf which would have built a bridge with the locals). We stopped at a convenience store/gas station and still nothing. After about 5 stops, one of which I picked up a box of 6 day old cream filled chocolate iced Krispy Kream doughnuts (by the way, bad idea to eat 3 with a Mt. Dew), we found the holy grail of beverage stores. As we turned the corner, there it was, as if a shaft of light was illuminating the entire lot. We had stumbled upon a drive through liquor store. It was a narrow building with a garage door on either side. We drove in and lowered our window as a man came up and asked us what we wanted. Chris asked for a Palmer and the man went to the cooler. Unfortunately, he came up empty and we were out of luck. But nothing could taint our experience. I drove out the other end the store and felt satisfied because I had just experienced the next evolutionary stage of convenience - beer on the go! Doesn't it just make sense? Imagine, I'm in a hurry, running late and I need something to drink. What can be done? Good news, just drive through the local drive-thru liquer store and get a cold one to go! Finally, a drive-thru liquor store is exactly what the modern drunk-on-the-go needs. Thank you America!

The Winds of Change

There are alot of happy people and alot of unhappy people this week. In fact, many of the happy people have traded places with the unhappy people. Yet, there are also alot of life goes on people who care little to none. What the heck am I talking about? Decision 2006, of course. I voted. Motivated hugely to get the politicians to stop bombarding me with commercials and phone calls. I hate elections. However, based on recent conversations, I have some thoughts.

It is time for change, and I am not talking about political change. I am talking about a change in how those who follow Christ engage the rest of society. There are places where the terms Republican and Christian are synonymous. There are also places (fewer but growing) where it is unbelievable that a Christian would not be a Democrat. I am pretty sure that the boat has been missed on both accounts. The Religious Right is an oxymoron, because the religious are rarely right (right applies more to Jesus than an establishment) and by definition, Christianity is not inclusive (yes, you have to make a radical decision to dedicate yourself to the values and agenda of One who makes the absolutes and there is no such thing as tolerance in that arena). I guess I frankly don't care how you vote, given, your decisions will have consequences, but holding a political platform up in one hand and a Bible in the other is a horrible idea. Why would I ever consider placing a sign in my front yard supporting a candidate that may close a door with a neighbor or a passerby? Guess what, both Republicans and Democrats (and anyone else for that matter) need Jesus. Funny how Jesus himself hung out with tax collectors (who were seen as having turned their backs on both Yahweh and Israel) and didn't make a big deal about politics.

I think its time the church stopped letting politicians "preach" in church on Sundays close to the election and I think that the church has to stop fulfilling its desire to have power by making political alliances. Things look similar to the Roman Catholic Church before the Reformation. I don't agree with the contemporary interpretation of separation of church and state. Kids have every right to say God and pray in schools. The problem is that the church is not affiliated with a political party, it is radically and completely devoted and sold out to Jesus Christ and I guarantee that Jesus Christ is not wearing a tee-shirt with a donkey or an elephant! If Jesus is wearing a tee-shirt, it probably has a sad face with a tear running down its cheek (perhaps similar to the sad Indian in the old anti-pollution commercial) because of how his bride parades herself around waiting to be wooed by whoever can use the right lingo. I guess I am at the point that if I hear one more person use Republican/Democrat as a foundational characteristic of someone who is going to heaven then I am going to pee on their bumper stickers.

Quote of the Day

This weekend, Sherri was gone on a retreat so I was at home with the children. What exactly does that mean? It means I cared for them during the day, put them to bed early, and I watched movies all night! One of the movies I watched was Green Street Hooligans, a movie recommended by some of my students. It does have a decent amount of violence and language (there's my disclaimer so I can't get in trouble). Anyway, Elijah Wood plays a young man about to graduate from Harvard who gets wrongly kicked out and moves to England to see his sister. Long story short, he gets involved with a British style, European soccer groupie fight club. As he becomes one of the guys, he does the voice-over narrator thing about half way through the movie and says something that leveled me. In reference to being part of the GSE (green street elite), he says, "It's not knowing that your friends have your back, it's knowing that you have your friends back." This is the difference between being a consumer and being missional (okay, yes, everything I hear and see goes through a "church" filter).

Ok, so you think I'm spiritualizing this? Hear me out... When I want to be assured that someone has my back, all I am thinking about is me. My chief concern is me. It's not about them, it's about me. "You watch out for me." It's like I am sucking the life out of the people around me. I want them to defend and care for and think of me first. While that may make me feel good, it doesn't make me a good person. I do want to know that someone has my back, but I what is more important is that I have their back. It's the difference between giving and receiving. I want to live my life in a way where people see me as someone who will get their back, not as someone who's back needs to be gotten.

iTunes & Bikers

Today was a great day. First off, and ultimately less important, I am now on iTunes. If you go to iTunes and search for the Shiloh podcast, you will find a message I preached on Nehemiah chapter one (that is if you care to listen to it).

On to the amazing, emotional, sobering event of the day. A former student of the school I work at was killed in Iraq recently and the funeral was held at the church today. Obviously, this day was not easy for the family and friends of this young man. The funeral was very meaningful and everything went as well as could be expected. Before the funeral, I walked outside and was shocked to see about 50 bikers standing like sentinels around the building. They were all dressed in their leather gear and each one was holding an American flag. This is a group of bikers who attend military funerals in the area, they had no connection with the family or anyone at the church. There is a group of freakshows who travel around and protest at military funerals shouting horrible things at family members. I don't know if you have heard of these people but I'm not sure what I would do if I came into contact with one of them. Anyway, these bikers have taken it upon themselves to "stand guard" around military funerals. I was talking to one of the guys, thanking him for what he was doing and he responded with, "It is the least we can do for those who are giving their lives for our freedom." After that, I watched as Marines in full dress shook hands with these bikers thanking them for their encouragement and support... and I lost it. Words cannot express the emotion that welled up as I watched a group of strangers making their stand in support of a family that had suffered a terrible loss. Today, I was reminded that people do amazing things. Things that are unselfish, things that put others before them, and things that give us glimpses of who God created us to be. Today I was proud to be an American (now cut to black and start the music)

I'm Baaaack...

What is it that could be so compelling to bring me back to blogging? A video that I can't help but share with the small handful of people who read (or more appropriately used to read) my blog. A friend showed me this video tonight and I am now equipped to worship God as he has created me to. Enjoy!

It Can't be Me

As I sit here in my very messy office, listening to Sufjan Stevens I am reflecting on the possibility that I might be the problem. This morning I finished reading Patrick Lencioni's Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable. It's one of those books that almost everyone involved in leadership or on a team of any kind talks like they read it but in reality they've only heard other people talk about it (I was one of those people until this morning). I think everyone who is not a monk with a vow of silence should read (or listen to) it. It is entertaining, thought provoking, challenging. I laughed, I cried... anyway, it did get me thinking about the 5 dysfunctions: 1)Absence of Trust, 2) Fear of Conflict, 3) Lack of Commitment, 4) Avoidance of Accountability, and 5) Inattention to Results. I am pretty sure that I have never actually been on a healthy team. Regardless of the venue (church, school, work, and even individual relationships) there is a struggle to follow through on any one of these areas. Sherri and I had a conversation recently and dysfunction number 2 came up. My comment was that anyone who is not willing to tow the line of a healthy team cannot live in my house. She ignored me because she knows how I get with an exciting new idea. Anyway, the question I am wrestling with is this, if I have been on teams that are heavy laiden with these dysfunctions, am I the reason? As much as I can identify with the hero in the story, I think I am much more like the dysfunctional teammates. Hopefully that feeling will go away because it just can't be me.

Who Peed?

Ok, so I haven't been doing any updating lately. Sorry. The other morning, Sherri and I are in bed, not quite awake yet. Now, understand that we have been having allergies lately and you know how that goes sleeping with your mouth open so you can breathe. Josh walks in and climbs into bed with us...

(Seeing the drool on the pillow)
Josh: Mommy pee on pillow?
Mommy: No, Josh, I did not pee on my pillow.
Josh: Mommy peed on pillow?
Mommy: No, Josh, mommy did not pee on her pillow.
(Mommy gets out of bed to get ready for the day)
Josh: Daddy, you pee mommy's pillow?
Daddy: (while laughing) No, daddy did not pee on mommy's pillow.
Josh: I no pee mommy's pillow.

I love mornings.

Waving the White Flag

Today I preached to 4 adults and 1 child. Afterwards, I talked to Joe (it took me a while to find him in the crowd). The congregation (the five there and one more who would meet them later along with the denominational guy in charge) met today to decide the future of the church. After talking to the really old woman for about 10 minutes (conversation consisting of, "You remind me of my grandson. That's why I like you. My daughter wants me to move down south. It's were I belong." Repeat exact conversation 5 times), I got to Joe. With tears in his eyes, he said that there really is not much of a decision to be made. The church can't survive. I am not sure how much longer they are going to hang on, but I will stick with them to the end.

I have always felt that if a church is not moving people into a deeper relationship with Christ and effectively reaching its community then it needs to seriously consider whether or not it should continue. I think alot of pastors do not have a calling on their lives and they are either relieved that they made it through another day or fake it successfully. It would not be a bad think for many churched to close their doors for the last time. However, as I have watched Joe and talked to the other 4-5 people at this little church, I have seen the other side. I still believe that we have to be thoughtful of how we fit into the greater kingdom scope, but people who have served faithfully in a church all their lives have a difficult time letting go. There is so much emotion and hurt in considering closing down a church. Let's be honest, who is going to be there at the bitter end? The ones who have been there for almost as long as they have been alive. This church is closing; there is no way around that. It is a good thing it is closing; it's not right for them to continue this way. What they need is love and compassion. And I am just the guy for the job (to be read with great sarcasm). I am not the most sensitive person when it comes to this. Why God has put me in this position suggests an oversight on His part (ok, maybe he sees more of the picture than me). Honestly, I think he put me there for that very reason - to see the reality of what many churches face and how to go about doing the right thing in a way that is full of grace.

Catching Toads

How do my girls catch toads? With butterfly nets of course! This morning, Allison and Hannah brought me a toad in their butterfly net. They didn't want to touch the toads so they improvised. Hannah thought it was hilarious when the toad tried climbing up the side of the net and then fell back down. They captured four toads and spent the rest of the day catching bugs, spiders, and flies. We looked for information on the internet as to what they typically eat and found that one toad can eat up to 1000 bugs a day. Sherri told them to get busy because they needed to find 4000 bugs in order to keep the toads in their small cage. The good news for any PETA members is that the girls were convinced to participate in a catch and release program. As far as I know, the toads have been set free.

Tony Danza (aka #@$%& Pt. 2)

Been thinking about the whole "God damn it" is comparable to "God take this back 'cause I don't want it" idea. I don't know anyone who saunters through life with the, nothin' but blue skies I can see clearly now the rain is gone attitude (shout out to Geoff Moore, you know, Beth's husband). I do know people who don't understand what is going on in their lives and they make choices about how to deal with that confusion. I am sure there are a plethora of ways people choose to respond but here are a few...

1. God doesn't exist
   
2. God exists but doesn't care
   
3. God exists and is vindictive
   
4. God exists and is good
   
5. God exists but does not consult me on future plans thus he is more concerned about his plans than my plans

I believe the first three are ruled out. The fourth is the right answer but not always (in fact often not) the perceived reality. The last one seems to be the most accurate description of my experience and I also think that there is much truth in it (although simplified). So looking at number 5, I see two responses. First, acceptance and trust that he really does know more than me and that he has my best in mind based on an eternal perspective. The second and more natural response is like returning a gift you received for your birthday. I really don't want this, it doesn't fit me, I'd rather have the money, I want a different color, etc. Essentially we reject the "gift." Not long ago, I got a gift from someone (who shall remain anonymous) and I acted like a child throwing a fit. Why? Because I already had one and it wasn't what I wanted. I was angry that someone would be so insensitive to give me something that they thought I should have rather than something that was within their power to give that I wanted. You can even ask Sherri (but please don't because she doesn't need to be reminded how immature I can be) how incredibly angry and stupid I was. What's the point? God gives us what he believes we should have rather than what we want even though it is within his authority to give us exactly what we want. When God does this, my default setting is, "I don't want it, take it back" (the kinder more gentler why of saying, "God, damn it").

My epiphany: When I respond with, "I don't want it, take it back" it is no different than taking God's name in vain.

So the question I have to ask when we get down to the very bottom of everything, in the word's of Tony Danza is, "Who's the boss?" If I can humble myself for just a second, then I can acknowledge that he really does know more than me and does have my best in mind perceived through the eyes of eternity.

#@$%&

"Thou shalt not take the Lord thy God's name in vain." But don't you want to sometimes? Like when you are driving anywhere in the Metro Detroit area. I concluded just this morning that almost everyone on the road is out to get me and it stems from the fact that I am an excellent driver and they are not. Going from point A to point B should not be that frustrating! So I have been wondering why I get so frustrated and angry with people and situations. I am reading The Enigma of Anger by Garret Keizer. This is one angry man who is very insightful about the different sides of anger. Anyway, he talks about the exclamation, "God damn it." Here is what he says...

"But with those angry words we move to another level of religious meaning. The angry person who invokes the name of God is acknowledging that the source of his frustration runs contrary to an expectation of divine benevolence. In other words, the world ought to work better. There ought to be figs on this tree. There ought to be some force, some angel, that prevents hammers from accidentally crushing thumbs. At the very least, it insists that the source of our frustration is within the control of a greater power - and a good one."

Keizer has penned exactly what I feel. When I get frustrated and things are not as they should be, I respond with an acknowledgement of God rather than wondering if He is even there. However, my acknowledgement of God is that if this is the way things work, then he can take those things back because I don't want them. It struck me that I go off because I don't like the way things are and I have higher expectations of my experiences, that I deserve better. It's like I feel entitled to a life of everything working out my way and when it doesn't, "God, damn it, because I don't want it." I'm like the child who screams at his mother, "You don't love me!" yet at the same time knowing the opposite is likely true and desperate for any attention he can get from the mother he is yelling at. A line in the song, Sweet Rose, by Matt Costa goes, "I'd like to say no one always gets their way." Simple, true, and annoying. I think sometimes the struggles of life are boiled down to checking yourself in those moments when you don't get your way and then you realize how truly immature you really are. The reality for me, is that I have no right to damn anything because I am not above it in the first place. So tomorrow, on my drive to school, I am going to acknowledge that God has "blessed" my trip by allowing me to experience its cussed existence.

Chad Vader

I found these on a friends blog. Brilliant. Enjoy.

Where to Draw the Line

Lately I have been filling the pulpit at a church on Sunday mornings. It is a church that is dying, both figuratively and literally. I went into this knowing only that it was a small church unable to support a full time pastor so I really didn't know what to expect. On a good day, I preach to 12 people including women and children (actually, there is only one other male other than me and he is in his mid 70's). Their plan is to disband in the next few months and they would like me to stick with them until they do so. So, today I got to church and Joe said that he was sorry and that only one of the 5 main regulars was going to show up and even she was questionable (they had various reasons that were relatively legit). Joe barely got the sentence out without breaking down. Joe was born into that church and has been serving faithfully throughout his whole life. Anyway, the one other elderly woman showed up and then one more. Joe said to me, Aileen, and Dorthy that I shouldn't waste my sermon on just the three of them and wait til next week for the rest of the crew. Here's what I've been thinking about all day... How few is too few and is there such a thing as a "wasted" sermon on anyone? I know the simplistic answer, when two or three are gathered... but I am looking for something deeper. I have friends who feel that preaching to a small handful of dying people is crazy and wouldn't do it, possibly legitimately so. Most everything inside me says that these people, regardless of how painful it might be, need to call it a day and throw in the towel now. However, there is one little part of me that wonders if I (or we) tend to dismiss people and churches like this out of pride and arrogance. Honestly, isn't it a waste of time and giftedness? Shouldn't someone like me be preaching to at least an average sized church? I have preached in a church of 2000, today, it was a church of about two (and I didn't end up preaching at all, which worked out because Joe said with great sadness that he couldn't pay me this week anyway on account of a large gas bill and an insurance payment). In the midst of growth strategy and mega-churches, have we become calloused to the least of these? Where is the line between pride and good stewardship with the resources God entrusts us (not to mention this churches limited resources)?

Dancing Queen

Sometimes you go out for a show and sometimes you stay in for a show. Last night we had some friends over, ate dinner, and then just hung out and talked. At one point during the evening, Hannah came into the family room and served us fruit snacks out of a bowl. It is so nice to see her practicing for her career at Hooters. Allison put in her Sheryl Crow CD and then proceeded to sing and dance to Soak up the Sun. This is when Josh entered wearing the attractive yet casual pink tutu. I kind of think he looks a little like Julie Andrews in his ballet outfit. Unfortunately, pictures cannot do justice to his performance. He was spinning wildly throughout the entire song and every so often stumbled and fell into various objects (I wasn't sure if he was drunk or had a stroke). Every time he fell, he got up and said, "I ok mommy." We laughed till tears were flowing.

A Story in Pictures

Just got back from our westward-ho. I thought I'd post a few pictures of our trip. My thoughts will follow at a later date (if any of these confuse you or you have questions, go ahead and ask me).

Summer Vacation

So tomorrow we leave to visit our old stomping grounds. We have not been back to South Dakota for exactly 2 years (we moved to Michigan the end of July 2004). We are pretty excited to see friends and play in the Black Hills. After we visit SD, we are going to visit Herb and Cara in Denver. The van is packed, the kids are asleep, and we are ready to go. Good night.

I could reconfigure these protocols faster if you would just get out of my face!

Tonight we went out with our friends, Chris and Lisa. Chris works for Homeland Security and was getting calls all evening because he is on duty. I'm pretty sure it was all national security stuff. Anyway, when we got to their house, they gave me a gift they picked up 4 months ago. You guessed it, a signed picture of Chloe! Apparently, she grew up in Trenton and Chris' friend's church was having an auction. Chloe's godmother goes there and got an autographed picture donated from her. Chris and Lisa saw it and thought of me. God bless them. There is only one thing that vexes me. Since when does Chloe sign her name and put a heart over it? That is so not Chloe!

The Return of the Prodigal Son

This is one of my favorite paintings. I also love the book by Henri Nowen. Of course, they both exist because of Jesus' parable in the gospel of Luke. I love the passion of the Father for his lost son, I love the struggle towards maturity of the rebel son, and I love the lessons about life that this story teaches us. However, if I could change one part of this story, it would be the element of the older son, the good one, the one who obeys and honors his father. It's unfortunate that he gets overshadowed by the snotty young rebel. It's frustrating that there is not more focus on his remarkable character. It's just simply wrong that he gets shafted for doing what's expected. He even tries to defend himself and set things right in his Father's house only to be lectured and shafted yet again. Honestly, he's kind of a loser. He whines because he is not treated the way he thinks he deserves. He has an aire that he is better than his brother, even to the point that he tells his Father how to parent. He, in all reality, has a pretty good life, but all he can do is look at what he doesn't have and in turn demeans whatever good is happening around him because of where he is.

What am I rambling on about? Well, ever since I read Nowen's book, The Return of the Prodigal Son (about 8 years ago), I have struggled with the realization that I am very much like the older brother. That reality has never been more obvious than it is currently in my life. I recently have been struggling with the way I perceive my Heavenly Father is treating me. Almost to a tee, I have felt the feelings that the older son likely experienced. I can think of a thousand reasons why it is my right to feel this way, but it boils down to this, I am more in love with what I want to do than with whom I am doing it for. Let me explain... no, too much, let me sum up. I want to be a pastor - it's what I feel and many around me feel I was created for. Seeing that I am not makes me miserable and not much fun to live with because I feel shafted. I am getting old and in my limited view, I am going nowhere fast. My response is to be angry with God while at the same time obediently following him wherever he leads. Angry obedience - obedience with an attitude, an attitude that says, "Look at how faithful I am even when you are a jerk. See how good I am? See what great sacrifices I am making? You should notice me." That may be obedience in the letter of the law, but not the spirit. I am more passionate about "being a pastor" than being with Jesus. I HATE THE OLDER BROTHER! I wish he'd just get out of my mirror.

There is really no resolution with the older son in the story. The Father invites him in to celebrate and join authentic community and then walks away leaving the older son to make the decision. What does he decide? I hope he went in. But I'm not sure that he did. It is easier to stay outside because if he goes in, he admits that everyone else was right and that there is purpose and meaning in his life. It means that he has been the jerk. Over the last few weeks, I have had lots of encouragement and significant conversations with friends. There has been a resounding theme to the content. The theme is that they are happy that I am where I am because of what God has done and is doing through me. In my favorite words of Jack Bauer, "Dammit." Not expressed in a bad way, but in a giving in and letting go way. In the same way that the older son would have entered the house and joined the festivities with a sigh of relief that he can stop trying so hard to be right.

I have been willing to stay outside in hopes of getting what I want rather than going inside to simply be with the One whom this is all about. It's time for me to go inside.

My Padawan Learner

Now that Josh has symbolically taken down his first chipmunk, I though warrior should be added to the titles of hunter and gatherer. So, Sherri and I went out and bought light sabers for training purposes. This week, Sherri's sister and her two girls are staying with us because Aaron is on a mission's trip. Allison, Hannah, and Grace (Sherri's niece) are at day camp and we have Josh and Paige (other niece) at home. Paige is 1 1/2 to Josh's 2 1/2 but Paige may have the weight advantage. I think the training is coming along quite nicely!

Summer Reading

I am hoping to get a decent amount of reading done this summer. I just finished two books and thought they are worth comment. Holy Blood, Holy Grail is the non-fiction "research" work by Michael Baigent that is foundational to the Davinci Code. So here is the super simplified summary of their findings. . . Of the four Gospels, John is the only one that can be trusted to any extent, however, the Apostle John did not write it. Lazarus, brother of Mary and Martha was the author and the whole raising from the dead thing was actually no death at all but an elaborate initiation to Jesus special club. Mary Magdalene and Mary of Bethany (Laz sister) was the same person and was married to Jesus which made Lazarus Jesus' brother-in-law. Jesus didn't die on the cross, mainly because the injuries inflicted during the scourging and crucifixion were not life threatening. The amazing thing is that at the end of the book, Baigent says that this is all a hypothesis that cannot be proven in any way, shape, or form. Yet in the next breath, he says that he knows that this is accurate and the Priori of Scion (secret society) has the proof although he has no idea what that proof is or what it looks like because no one is willing to tell him what it is.

The other book is The Phoenix Affirmations by Eric Elnes. What I initially thought would be an encouraging and engaging read turned out to be one of the weakest and watered down statements of biblical faith I have read in a long time. Essentially, this is a movement out of Phoenix of "progressive" pastors who are trying to unify religious, seekers, and anyone who is "open." Again, the super simplified summary is that the doorway of Jesus for salvation is a very good way but not the exclusive way. God is more concerned about how you express your love for God, yourself, and others than what you do with the person of Jesus. He seems to imply that everyone on a genuine "faith" journey experiences salvation no matter who it’s focused on. His main concern is the inclusion and affirmation of the gay and lesbian lifestyle into the Christian community. He compares the importance of this issue with that of slavery. Interesting thing about the book is that right now the author and a handful of others are doing a walk across the country to promote the affirmations and at the end of the walk, they are going to nail the affirmations to the doorway of America in D.C. (in the spirit of Martin Luther and the Wittenberg door).

These are two very different books coming from two very different authors, one of faith and one agnostic at best. The common thread within these books are that they try to remake Jesus palatable and in our image. The assumption is that the Bible cannot mean what it says and that what it says cannot be trusted and we need to read between the lines to find the "path of Jesus." The integrity of the researched documents and poor exegesis of the Bible (especially in Phoenix) leads to a complete mess and a theology/philosophy that completely misses the heart of Jesus. As odd as it sounds, these two books work consistently together to draw people away from Jesus rather than toward Him.

O brother, where art thou?

Wow, it’s been a while since my last post. So, first off, for those wondering where we are in pee-land, Josh is officially a big boy wearing big boy underwear (specifically Madagascar in the pic). Well, kind of. He peed on me this morning and I looked like I was lactating. Yes, he was sitting on me when the geiser went off.

We had a great time the week of the 4th. We went up north camping with some friends and set up our base camp. We spent two days with my family in West Branch and Gaylord and one day with our friends and watched fireworks in Alpena over Lake Huron. We had great seats but there was this pesky tree in the way of the less spectacular fireworks. Hannah was sitting on my lap and said during the show, "Daddy, do you know what kind of fireworks I like the best? All of the ones not behind the tree."

The most spectacular thing that happened was discovered by Allison. On Wednesday morning, Allison walked behind our pop-up and claimed she found a chipmunk swimming in our drain bucket. I dismissed her but decided to check it out anyway. Sure enough, at some point, a chipmunk climbed into the drain bucket and drowned in a cesspool of grease and soap. Josh was enamored with the event and really wanted to touch the deceased. So, here's a great shot of the boy with his first kill (he will be a great hunter and gatherer someday).

And here are a few other pictures of our week of camping. . .

Hot Pockets

I don't know if you have ever heard of Jim Gaffigan, but he is a ridiculously funny comedian from Indiana. If you haven't, this overheard conversation may not be that funny, but if you have then read on.

I broke out in a poison ivy rash yesterday and today I went to Walgreen’s to buy the most expensive over the counter remedy ever created. As I was in line to check out, I witnessed the following conversation between the 50 something buck-toothed cashier and the middle aged woman...

WG: Would you like to buy some of these M&M's?
W: No. But I would like a pack of Virginia Slims.
WG: You know, you might as well get the M&M's too. They're both bad for ya.
W: No thanks.
WG: (after ringing the total and receiving her cash) Now, on this here receipt, there's a coupon good for a dollar off on your next Virginia Slims purchase.
W: Great. That'll save me money.
WG: Yeah, but you gotta remember to bring it with you. I can't even imagine the number of times I've come in to get some Hot Pockets and forgot my coupon.

Hmmm... that reminds me... I don't think I've had a Hot Pocket lately. Perhaps I'll go out and get one.

Warning: Spoilers...

You ruined me
You took away my dreams
You did exactly what I wasn't hoping for
You changed the end
Now I'm confused about the means
You made me feel as if my prayers had been ignored

Sometimes lyrics to a song are more accurate than words that tumble out of my own mouth. So my dream job is no longer an option and in the next few days I will sign on for at least one more year as a Bible teacher and Dean of Students. Whether I feel like it the right thing to do or not, I know that I am in submission to God. Webster defines submission as a legal agreement, and while I think that's accurate, it misses some of the picture. In my struggle to submit to God, I made a legal agreement in reference to the little matter of sin in my life and he released me from the eternal consequences of that "little matter." There is a piece to submission that I utterly hate - trust. True submission to God requires trust that he is making the right decisions and that he is doing what is best. God doesn't give explicit directions, like MapQuest. I like MapQuest because it tells me how long it will take me to get to my destination (and I know that I can almost always shave 5 to 30 minutes off that estimate depending on the length of the trip and my astonishing driving skills.) God doesn't really even give a specific destination other than "holiness" and "worthy heirs" of our inheritance. Sounds good but not really anything I can take a shortcut to. I wish that God would let me win. When I see something that I think is perfect for me and we get into an argument, we always do what he wants to do. I feel like it's all about him and not me. It must be nice not having to choose your battles when you know you will always come out the winner.
So, in a nutshell, I am nursing my wounds and working on thanking God for losing... again. Ross King, one of my favorite musicians says in the afore quoted song, "Where would we be now, if you had let me win? Hallelujah, I lose again."

Current Mood: Drifter

I don't know where I'm going
But I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
But here I go again
Here I go again

Tho' I keep searching for an answer I never seem to find what I'm looking for,
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

I'm just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love's sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on
For the rest of my days
Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
An' here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go again

An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
Here I go again

Nothing like an 80's power ballad to breathe new life into an old soul. Thank you David Coverdale. Hope to see you at the South Dakota State Fair.

My True Self!

Good news! I have learned the identity of my true self today. It is a little awkward to have lived my life for 34 years not knowing who I am and all of a sudden -- blammo! Here I am. Thank goodness for the internet, and for that matter, Al Gore. Anyway, I got this from a friend and it was a little different from the typical personality tests I've taken. Interesting, fairly accurate, interactive (if you scroll over it), and lots of bright colors (for those of us who are sprinters when it comes to attention). The one thing that I don't like about this is that anyone who looks at my brightly colored results will know the true me as well and at that, only moments after I have gotten acquainted with myself.

Free-Wheeling Leader

Oh and by the way, as of 4:00 on Monday, we have had an accident free day. No Mr. PeePee in Josh's big boy underwear (which also looks like the underwear given to post-pregnant women in the hospital). Just thought you'd want to know.

Happy Father's Day

Today I woke up to 3 beautiful children beckoning me to come downstairs to eat breakfast. As Hannah scurried out of the room, her parting words were, "Daddy, be sure to look everywhere." I went into the bathroom to find a message on the mirror, Happy Father's Day and an art project of a hot fudge sundae. I went down to breakfast and opened three cards and was greeted by "Top 10 Reasons We Have The Best Daddy." I have great kids whom I love very much. But more than my kids, I have an amazing wife. All of this is sweet, but exists only because of the love of Sherri. For me, Father's Day is a day to realize not just a new tie, but to contemplate and be amazed by the one who fills my life and will never move out to go to college.

I Am Nothing

No further info on the job front. Lots of discussion on what we should do and what it means to trust God. I think that sometimes from my limited perspective, God does not behave in a way that elicits trust. He does things and leads in ways that would discourage the most committed to question. There have been times that I wondered if impeachment was an option. Then I am reminded of the question God asked Job (and by no means am I comparing myself to Job), "Where were you when I...." Job responds by saying that (I'm paraphrasing) God is big, I am small. We had dinner with Sherri's sister and brother-in-law on Friday. They told us that the other day, my niece (Grace, 3 years old) had the following conversation with grandma...

Grandma: Who's the boss?
Grace: Mommy and Daddy.
Grandma: Well, if they are the boss, what are you?
Grace: I am nothing.

How brilliant is it that God uses stuff like that to bring perspective.

The Place Where Dreams Come True

Sherri and I are in a bit of a funk today. Struggling with what it means to walk in faith, we are experiencing what James says happens to the waves when the wind picks up -- they get tossed back and forth.

So, we decided to load up the family and go to where "dreams come true." That fantastic four letter word -- IKEA! You read correctly, IKEA, the Scandinavian vonderpark. Ve drove into the new facility in Canton and stopped by an attendant who said to us, "You have little ones? Park here in the family friendly front row section." I guess having a minivan does pay off because our little ones aren't so little. As ve valked into the building, a man gave us a map and directed us to the children's play area to check our kids in for free (only Hannah and Allison were allowed in because one must be potty-trained to qualify). Ve got vone of those lighted buzzer things you get at Outback Steakhouse in the event they needed us before our 45 minutes vere up. Ve tossed the lighted buzzer thing in someone else's cart because there vas no vay ve vere coming back early. Ve enjoyed our jaunt throughout the two-story vonderland and found lots of things ve didn't need but really vanted. You can outfit an entire room for $718 (you provide your own TV and residents). There vas a Mork & Mindy type mini-chair that had a fabric cocoon type thing that Josh loved and in the event that our house is destroyed, he vould have his own personal escape pod. They even have a restaurant that serves $1.99 kids meals and 50 cent hot dogs (Herb, you vould be in heaven.). So, ve ended the evening vith the total purchase price of $4 for non-fat frozen yogurt cones. Ve left and declined to get our hands stamped for re-entry and as ve vere valking to the van, Allison asked if we could come back tomorrow. Sherri and I responded vith, "Oh yes Allison, we will be back." Anyvone for hot dogs?

Two Roads and One Faith Part 1

Two roads diverged in a wood... er... suburb of Detroit and I -- I took, well, neither. I sat down and waited. Up to that point, I thought I was right behind that still small voice. Unfortunately, the clarity I felt earlier is washed away like the ocean laps at my sorry excuse for a sand castle (it's really more of a sand single wide).

What am I talking about? At the moment, I have to decide what to do in the near future. I am a teacher and administrator at a great Christian school with fantastic students and great teachers. However, when contracts came around this year I declined. The plan was for Sherri to work and for me to finish off my M.Div. See, I am not a Christian school teacher. I am a pastor. It's not just what I do, it's who I am. So after our plan did not go accordingly, I heard about my dream job in my dream place. There were all kinds of circumstantial connections and I felt good about it. At the moment, I know nothing. I don't know where they are in the process nor do I know if I am still in that process. This opportunity, however, is something worth risking for.

Back to why I am sitting at the divergent roads. My boss said that he will give me a few more days to make a final, final decision. I can do the job and I love those I minister to but it is not my passion. At some point in the last month, I realized that other than this "all dreams fulfilled" ministry position, I had nothing to fall back on... except what I believed to be God's firm leading. So, here I sit at the intersection of decision wondering if I was feeling God's leading or if I just consumed undercooked meat.

Sometimes faith is mistaken for stupidity and stupidity is mistaken for faith. I am sure that countless sons and fathers have the same conversation over and over again. The good news for me is that God works in both faith and stupidity. I really hope, however, that I am on the faith side -- or at least where the lines blur.

And by the way, for those interested in the saga of Josh and the potty, we had a good day and I was only peed on once because Tex was shootin' a little high. More updates to come.

Things of note today. . .

Today is Saturday. It is the first day that I don't have "stuff" to do for the next week. Graduation was Friday and my busy week as "all things to all people" is over. So now I shall reflect on my day. I filled the mini-van up with gas - $51.26. Gas prices have hit me with kind of a time lag. I used to fill up the Suburban for $50.00. We went to Uno's for dinner. Sherri took Josh to the restroom and I was left with the girls. Hannah (who is 5) says to me quite loudly and in a playful tone, "Daddy, you're sexy." The young couple without kids next to us looked at me. Not really knowing what else to say, I responded with, "We're not really your traditional family." They turned away. I suggested to Hannah that the phrase she used should remain in the context of mommies and daddies. I bought the latest Bright Eyes CD today. As I was listening to At the Bottom of Everything, and not really having the spiritual gift of lyrical discernment, I thought I heard Conor Oberst say, "Set fire to the preacher who is promising us health." I was so excited that Mr. Oberst was that theologically sensitive to put the prosperity gospel in its place. Of course, then I realized that he actually said, "promising us hell." Oops. So much for the spiritual awakening but the music is still pretty sweet. And finally, we have been having issues with Josh (2) staying in bed at bedtime. Tonight he got out of bed and began playing with his sisters so I replaced him in bed and gave him a little swat on the back of his thigh. He leaned back, looked at me, and laughed. I didn't realize I was so entertaining. So, that's my life at the moment. Shock, laughter, awkward moments, pseudo epiphanies, and inadequacy. Under girding all of this is the difficult to explain, shaky feeling that God has a timeline for us and I am oddly ok with that.

To whom shall I go?

So I decided to start blogging. I figure I have been reading other peoples blogs, so why not begin one of my own. I thought I'd explain the name first and then move on from there. Here's me... I am a follower of Christ. I love him with all my heart and have journeyed with him for the greater part of my life. One thing that frustrates me is when Christians follow religion blindly and miss the person behind that religion. It's like following a lime green Volkswagen bug initially because your friend is driving it. You're following your friend, not the lime green bug. But what if your friend got out and someone else got in and drove away? What would you do? Follow the bug? I think alot of people are following the bug, not their friend. I have never gotten to the point of questioning if Jesus is real or is who he says he is. And it's not because I haven't struggled with the question. I have concluded that he is the reason life sticks together. The thing is, I am always fighting him. I get angry, frustrated, irritated, I even dislike him at times and say something to the effect, "I'll follow you, but I don't have to like you." . When I am in that place, sometimes with angry tears, I yell at him, "To whom shall I go?" It's from John 6:68 where Peter responds to Jesus question. Jesus asks if they want to leave him just like the crowd. Peter simply responds by saying, "To whom shall we go?" Brilliant. Not, "I'm not sure if you are the Christ," but essentially, there are no other legitimate options. Not really the easy answer but it does get the point across. Jesus is the only legitimate answer. So, here I am. It's a start.